Oh, friends and readers. I apologize in advance for this post. It’s not a happy one. The main purpose is just to get me writing again after this past week. Why, you ask? Simple. Writing, like sewing, is one of the things in my life that typically brings me joy. Not all writing, mind you. There have definitely been moments where I’ve wanted nothing more than to be able to light a draft on fire or shove a computer out of a window. I haven’t actually done these things, but believe you me, I’ve thought about it. Regardless of these occasional moments of frustration, writing is one of the ways I process what’s going on around me.
And there’s been a lot to process this week.
Death and injuries and cars that don’t work and devastating results from medical tests…
When I say there’s been a lot to process, I’m not exaggerating.
Now, people have different ways of dealing with big issues like this. Some folks, well, they don’t really “deal,” per se. Some folks put off dealing with bad things by losing themselves to drugs or whatnot. That’s not a route I choose to go, but I can see how the siren call of oblivion can lure folks down that path. I’ll admit that the idea of just forgetting something big is looming overhead can sound tempting, but my head would know that I’d just have to deal with the situation when the high wore off. No use or sense putting it off with that method.
I have occasionally taken a nap instead of dealing with a situation out right but I don’t think that counts. Usually the nap isn’t planned – it’s just a side effect of crying so hard I end up giving myself a headache. Then I drift off to sleep for a few minutes and when I wake up I’m ready to start coping. Or so I hope.
Some folks deal with the situation head-on. They make lists of what to do and check them off accordingly. I’ve known people who deal with problems this way and, while it’s efficient and pro-active and I’m sure it gets them through things, it’s still not exactly my way of dealing. I think it’s because it involves a tad more organization than I’m typically able to manage.
Some people simply fall apart. They don’t avoid the problem, but nor do they attempt to do anything about it besides go to pieces. I like to think this isn’t my method, either. Granted, I have experienced moments of “ohmygodohmygodohmygod” at random points in my life but that tends to be an internalized statement rather than one that everyone else can hear. I did once have a breakdown at the coffeeshop, following a run-in with a horrible customer, but that’s not the kind of “big issue” we’re talking about here.
For the most part, I tried to process the shit storm that was this week as it was thrown at me. I think I did fairly well, all things considered, until Thursday. I near about gave up on looking for any kind of happy thing at that point. Luckily, Friday evening and Saturday evening brought some laughter and a chance to start a little healing.
This week ended up being a combination of the “I need to do this this and this to try to work through this” coping method and the “ohmygodohmygodohmygod” method. I don’t think I was alone in combining these two, either. It was just another one of those examples of how the human spirit does its best to rise above the crap around it. Some people climb Mt. Everest…some people slog through a week’s worth of horrible news and find something to laugh about at the other end.
I realized, when I found myself wandering the aisles of the JoAnn’s Fabrics in Heath, Ohio, that there’s one thing that would’ve made working through all this crap a little easier. I should have brought something with me to work on while I was up in Ohio. It needn’t be anything big or important. I just needed something to keep my hands and mind occupied with between the moments of grief and anxiety.
As I’ve mentioned in a previous entry, sewing is where I go to center myself and find my zen. My mind gets to put itself in order while my fingers help piece little scraps of fabric together. I really needed that this week and I couldn’t find anything small to work on while we were up there.
Now that I’m back home, you can bet your ass I’ll be working on things all this week. I’ve got an owl suit to make, a new shirt to make, some gifts to cut out and sew together, etc…
I’m nowhere near being okay with everything that’s gone on this week, but I have an idea on what might help me re-establish some of that equilibrium. More to come on that later.